The Tough Guide to Fantasyland
DWJ Book Toast, #5
Diana Wynne Jones is one of my favorite fantasy authors, growing up and now, and I was saddened by the news of her death. I can't say I'm overcome with emotion - as personal as some of her work is to me, its not like I knew her after all - but I wish I could put into words how I feel about her no longer being out there, writing new adventures and laughing at all of us serious fans thinking so hard about her words when we should simply get on with the business of enjoying them.
And that's...what I'm going to do. She's left behind a huge body of work, a large amount of which I haven't read yet, so I'm going to reread all my old favorites (and hopefully some new).
A hilarious send-up of the Fantasy genre, 'The Tough Guide to Fantasyland' acts like a guide to all "tourists" setting out on an package-trip adventure in Fantasyland, and outlines the locations and people from Anglo-Saxon Cossacks to the Vestigial Empire, and includes important entries on Leathery-Winged Avians and the proper pollination of Horses. She's missed nothing.
Here are some entries:
Bar Service
has not yet been invented. Drinks and other orders are traditionally brought to you at your table in the INN by barmaids. This is an enlightened arrangement by the Management because it prevents unemployment among young unmarried women and probably also keeps up the birthrate.
See also EUNUCHS, MAIDS, and WAR.
Color Coding
is very important in Fantasyland. Always pay close attention to the color of CLOTHING, hair, and eyes of anyone you meet. It will tell you a great deal. Complexion is also important: in many cases it is coded too....[specific entries on color coding of Clothing, Eyes, Hair]
Official Management Term (OMT)
appears in this guide where necessary and in italics. OMTs are forms of words which the Management has dreamed up for use in every time a certain thing, fact, sensation, or person is mentioned. Thus STEW is thick and savory; HISTORY is lost; at the point where the party of Tourists is about to be attacked the very air is doom-laden; and a constant COMPANION on the Tour will be the rat-faced little man. OMTs perform the same function as music in films.
Speech.
On some Tours it is necessary to adopt a high-falutin' form of Speech. Instead of saying "I will go out and take a look" you have to say "I shall now walk forth and examine things without." This is tiresome to have to keep up. Even more tiresome are those PANCELTIC TOURS where you have to keep remembering to say "Och aye" and "Top of the marnin' te ye." But these are the Rules.
See also LANGUAGES.
Virgins
are much in demand for various reasons:
...
7. Nobody wants a male Virgin at all. Young boys, yes, but there is no stipulation about Virginity. In fact, some experience is preferred.
And there's so many more. Some, like Swords can go on for pages ("[In a Sword] is a very stupid place to put your powers")while others can be summed up with the simple truth that "Nunneries are for sacking." Jones rationalizes the lack of all diseases except for "the plague" and how the ecology and economy of Fantasyland must operate.
I flipped through this mostly, hopping from article to article, but since this is a borrowed book and I didn't want to miss anything, I ended up reading straight-through. To be a great artist one has to know all the rules before one can break them, and Diana Wynne Jones wrote the book.
Fantasyland
Next (sort of): 'Dark Lord of Derkholm'
